Exploring "I-am-ness"

How Leaders Can Build Resilience & Strengthen Self Identity Through Transgenerational Storytelling

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A tectonic shift in identity

When I moved from Singapore to Copenhagen in June of 2022, little did I know that it would set in motion something akin to a tectonic shift in my identity.

I suppose I shouldn’t have been surprised. I am a woman born in Singapore, raised in Malaysia and Singapore, and my roots are firmly planted there. A move to Denmark would surely place me in uncharted territory. Culturally, socially, even ‘climatically’, it was unlike anything I had known. And yet I welcomed the challenge as I was keen to contribute to my organization, grow as a leader, and strengthen and nourish my team.

Still, what was before me was not easy. We were at the tail end of the COVID years and entering the still turbulent post-COVID era. I was clearly not the only one looking to find my bearings.

Entering the I-am-ness journey

It was in this new environment — a foreigner in a new land, yet a person seeking to lead with purpose — that I found myself reflecting on who I am and all those who had come before me, a process that required me to loosen the soil surrounding my past, retrieve memories, and unearth the stories of the ancestors who had shaped my life.

I started to call this my “I-am-ness” journey and through it there emerged not only narratives of my ancestors that took on a new life within my story, but also a newfound grounded-ness, resilience, and quiet sense of confidence — traits much needed by anyone seeking to lead well.

Patterns from the past influence present and future behavior

My impressions about the impact of transgenerational storytelling and identity, as it turns out, are not without firm grounding in the research. There is strong evidence that narratives of one’s personal experience are critical for identity and well-being, and that transgenerational storytelling can increase resilience and build a more grounded sense of confidence.

In an ideal world, businesses would be led by entirely logical and rational individuals. However, this is often not the case, especially when people experience heightened levels of anxiety. In such situations, leaders may draw upon what has been referred to as their “inner theater”, which includes unconscious behavioral patterns deeply rooted in their past experiences. These patterns are primarily influenced by early caregivers and the ancestral stories passed down through generations, which then become ingrained in their way of functioning. Family narratives passed down through social learning, social identity, and psychodynamics can shape leader values that eventually guide leader behaviors (Tcholakian et al., 2019).

To achieve a sense of wholeness as human beings, Jung proposed that we must acknowledge this darker aspect of ourselves, which is colored by individual, collective and transgenerational experiences and narratives. In The Dark Side of Leadership: What Drives People to Become Leaders?, Manfred Kets de Vries explains that ignoring or suppressing this won't make it disappear; instead, when left unexamined, this darker side can gradually gain control over our thoughts, emotions, choices, and actions (Kippenberger, 1997).

Melanie Klein formulated the object relations theory, which emphasizes how our past and current relationships play a central role in shaping our identity (Petriglieri & Petriglieri, 2020). The significant individuals from our past are retained in our unconscious self, and they tend to surface, especially when strong emotions are triggered, influencing how we perceive ourselves.

Engaging in self-reflection regarding one's identity plays a vital role in preserving self-esteem and obtaining social validation for one's position. Scholars have explored how individuals construct their self-perceptions during social exchanges to either transition into or maintain a desired role (Petriglieri & Stein, 2012). This valuable practice involves being conscious of the narratives we share and how we portray ourselves in various conversations and circumstances.

My “I-am-ness” Exploration — An Example

When I look at myself in the context of all we know about the power of narrative, what do I see? Who am I bringing along with me?[1]

I am my great-grandmother in India, who was known for her audacity and courage for life. In the early 1900s, my great-grandmother had two husbands in the Maharashtra state of India. It was unclear if this was at the same time or after the first one passed away. Still, for a widow or a woman once married, having another man is seen as an exceptional case, often not in a positive light. A woman needs to serve a man or suffer if they do not manage to serve well or if they become a widow. But the story passed down about my great-grandmother is only about her strength and piercing ways of living life. 

I am my grandmother, who traveled through India to Singapore on a boat, for marriage and for a life she never knew then she was going to have. She had a rich life; I hope she knew that. She got married at the age of thirteen and was still a child. She had to grow up and deal with a new country, new language, and new ways of living. She married a proud man known for his discipline and honesty in the military service, one that could not be seen as doing any wrong. My grandmother served him and the growing family in a new land, with resilience and belief systems that guided the way she could make sense of the world. With thirteen children, her hands were always full, and she decided which children to focus on which ended up being the boys and in general, all males in the household.  She also developed a strong opinion with regards to marriage, children, money, what she decided was the right way of living life.

I am my father's mother, whom I had the chance to know up to the age of eight for her genuine heart and selflessness. When her husband died young, she cared for the family, selling a coconut pancake known as Appam on the streets. Despite that, she was rejected and poorly treated by her family, while she kept faith and love for all. Her family instructed her to keep her plates, bowls and utensils under the sink area, separate from the rest. She was not given formal access as a matriarch. She loved being in our home as a quiet, loving presence as I played with her long curly grey hair, often making it get all entangled with the comb. She would quietly comment about what I am doing, never harsh, never dominating.

I am my mother's father, who had two lives. One of a disciplinarian and loving father to his thirteen children, and another, a secret life which he did not share with his family.  My father discovered him at a coffee shop far from home and joined him to hear stories of his time as a British Indian army officer during war and of our family, stories that could have easily brought rejection and non-acceptance. He was adopted as a child, and his family history is still not fully documented. I remain curious, who is he?

I am my father’s father, who is a figment in my history. He was a fishmonger in Penang and had a stationery shop. He died of tuberculosis at a very young age. His relatives scrambled for his wealth, and my grandmother and her three sons were left at their mercy. My father remains disappointed to this day about his change in fortune as a young, intelligent boy whose family did not ensure he would get into university. Recently I discovered that my great-grandfather moved his family from India for a better life and to be away from the diseases plaguing South India then. He supported his family by selling Moru, a yoghurt-based drink, on the streets of Penang. There is a thread of being business owners and finding solutions for the family to improve their conditions.

I am my mother, who grabbed my sister and me when I was eight and yanked us out of Penang to Singapore, leaving my father. I remember waking up and watching my mother packing items from our small apartment, and she took the TV remote control so that it would be harder for my father to watch the television. Divorced at 40, she found herself branded negatively and spent her time finding a lifeline, finding a man, someone who can support her and improve her standing in her family. She began working again after 15 years of being a housewife, starting out in the factory before going back to be a nurse. She is known for her discipline and precision at work in taking good care of her patients. She is always aware of some special needs of her patients, buying snacks for them to make them happy. She is a beautiful and courageous person, who does not need a lifeline to feel complete, but continues to think that she will drown, that she can’t thread the waters without the safety of someone or a community she can hold on to.

I am my father, who hitchhiked from Penang to Singapore for a better life. He registered to join a ship as a seaman and instead became a police officer.  He met my mother while being a police officer. My mother and her family used to visit the police academy where my grandfather was working. They had love for each other but allowed the difference in their cultures and influences from their families to come between them. My father knows how to enjoy life and to be in the moment, and to always make time to take care of himself by running or walking every day, and to continue to update his knowledge on all topics. He is like an encyclopedia of knowledge. He always wanted a better life for us, so his history would not repeat itself. He remarried and had a new family but remains a good father who tries to be as present as possible. He is very proud of being an ex-police officer, and I learn from him that we need to do the right thing, even if no one is watching.

I-am-ness & the Leadership Journey

With each of these stories, there are lessons about myself that I can bring into my own leadership journey. Strengths, weaknesses, values, hopes—all there for me to own, aspire to, remain aware of, and work to overcome when necessary. The legacy of my ancestors within my current I-am-ness is rich:

• From my great-great grandmother in India — being audacious

• From my grandmother who traveled from India to Singapore on a boat — finding ways to navigate life, understanding how discrimination impacts self-confidence

• From my father’s mother — giving and loving unconditionally

• From my mother’s father — living without clear authenticity; fear of judgement

• From my father’s father — overcoming challenges and ingenuity

• From my mother — living courageously; seeking validation

• From my father — giving our best; living with integrity.

The exploration felt raw and vulnerable, showcasing a level of exposure uncommon in business organizations. Yet, it is precisely this vulnerability that lends authenticity to the journey.

Amidst the grandeur and facade prevalent in modern organizations, the pursuit of truth amidst leaders' walls and masks calls for an introspective exercise—peeling the onion of self-exploration.

Engaging in self-exploration through my transgenerational narratives has granted me the space to reflect and pause, enabling me to respond thoughtfully rather than react impulsively. Moreover, it has heightened my awareness of negative behavioral patterns, empowering me to challenge and transform them. Through this practice, I find myself leaning into new narratives, determined to craft a legacy that aligns with my true aspirations.

I invite you to find a quiet place where you can reflect and begin your own I-am-ness exploration. I believe it will bring you rich rewards.

Do comment below if you have thoughts, questions, or would like support in your own exploration.

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[1] The stories have been sanitized for the public lens but were originally written to be as vulnerable and real as I allow them to flow naturally. This will help to land on the reflective space needed.

Sources

Kippenberger, T. (1997), Interview: Manfred Kets de Vries: "The dark side of leadership: what drives people to become leaders?", The Antidote, Vol. 2 No. 3, pp. 11-13. https://doi.org/10.1108/EUM0000000006339

Petriglieri, G., & Petriglieri, J. L. (2020). The return of the oppressed: A systems psychodynamic approach to organization studies. Academy of Management Annals, 14(1), 411–449. https://doi.org/10.5465/annals.2017.0007

Petriglieri, G., & Stein, M. (2012). The unwanted self: Projective identification in leaders’ identity work. Organization Studies, 33(9), 1217–1235. https://doi.org/10.1177/0170840612448158

Tcholakian, L. A., Khapova, S. N., Van De Loo, E., & Lehman, R. H. (2019). Collective traumas and the development of leader values: a currently omitted, but increasingly urgent, research area. Frontiers in Psychology, 10. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2019.01009