"The world will ask you who you are, and if you don't know, the world will tell you." Carl Jung
I only recently read this quote, but as clichéd as it sounds, a lot of things fell into place.
2020. Covid started and I was stranded in Singapore together with my now husband. After a lot of travelling on both sides, we found ourselves stuck in an apartment together for two and a half months. A lot of time to read, start new hobbies, argue, reflect and challenge ourselves, always asking if what we are doing is actually the right thing.
I had just started a coaching training and used the time for some practice coaching with friends. I was constantly going over the same topic: who am I? Who do I want to be? And how? It was in one of these coaching sessions, that I mentioned INSEAD, and the very different kind of Executive Master they offered.
And here is what coaching can do for you.
A day later I called the registration office, two weeks after that I handed in my 15 essays, and another week later I learned about Carl Jung in a class full of people that more or less had the same question in mind: who am I?
In 2020, I was definitely not the only woman impacted by Covid. Various women leaders stirred discussions on their approach to handling such a crisis. Whether it was in Finland, New Zealand or in my home country of Germany, women leaders showed their particular virtues in unprecedented ways.
So whilst I was thinking about who I want to be, these women both resonated with and inspired my quest towards the “who am I?” that I brought into my INSEAD studies; this I found was more and more related to my identity as a woman.
Who am I (as a woman)?
The question has haunted me for quite some time, particularly through the quarantine years of Covid. As a professional woman, born and raised in Germany, but living in different countries since my early 20s, I found myself noticing how differently other countries view working women and all the more so, working mothers. You can take your baby to daycare from as early as 3 months without challenge. It just is.
I’ve spent the last years working on my identity as a working woman and, with the birth of my son, a working mother. Being a global citizen, how would I like to setup my life and career? I started by looking back, asking ‘who is Constanze?’ As a child, a teen, in my 20s, and now. And who does Constanze want to be in the future? Whilst I have been raised ‘by German standards”, living in other countries has made me realise that, whilst I deeply respect that, I am inspired by something else.
I wanted to understand and define my own identity outside of German norms.
Once I set foot on this path, I felt more and more passionate about beginning and sustaining a conversation on this. The conversation starter was my thesis. I wanted to show how the system and other unconscious factors in German society impact women’s identities, and I have been passionate about this topic ever since.
But is the timing right?
Much has been done on gender parity; articles have been written and even laws changed in order to support women on their journey. Nevertheless, we continue to live in times and cultures in which women experience situations that tell them who they are, instead of asking them who they want to be. Across the world political conflicts in Iran and Afghanistan, or overturned decisions like Roe v Wade in the US reflect this challenge. Political parties take on the right to tell women how to dress, where or if to study or what to do with their body. Just recently, Elon Musk changed Twitter’s parental leave policy from 20 weeks to 2. So is more work on gender parity really needed?
Hell Yes!
Telling Your Story
In her Netflix interview with Oprah, Michelle Obama said:
“I don’t have all the answers, but I have the stories.”
Being a working mum, having lived in several countries, I also have stories. No White House backdrop, just the everyday life of a working mother in different settings: with a baby, a husband with a busy and mostly away from home job, different cultures and experiences.
For me, stories are a means of starting and sustaining the conversation. We women, working mothers, all around the world, are trying to figure it all out, every day and mostly by ourselves. I know I struggle with it and I believe many more women and working mothers do. The result is many stories. Stories about the challenge of the different identities each of us have: being a mum, having a career, having our own lives. Stories of life as a woman.
“One of the main reasons for discrimination against women is the outdated, but widespread misconception, based on no solid foundation, that women and children belong together and that men belong at work.” Ruth Bader Ginsberg
I truly believe that Ruth Bader Ginsburg was right: this split doesn’t exist anymore. It might be scary for some, but the boxes have been opened.
We are not there yet though.
Examining the ‘Raven mother’
My thesis focused on Germany, a developed country struggling to get women into the workplace and further still, into leadership positions. And whilst probably not all of you are German, I strongly believe that Germany is just one example, one story, which can inspire women across the world.
Talking about Germany, let me give you an impression:
76.6% of women are working, but half of them work part time.
18.2% is the share of women in German boards (September 2021).
It will still take 26 years to reach a gender balance in German boards.
What the numbers tell us is that there still is a lot to do. The good news is that more and more people are doing something. Germany, and mostly German women, are sharing stories and pushing these limits.
In my thesis I tried to reach a greater understanding of German working mothers by interviewing six amazing women. The outcome only verified that work is still needed.
One word in particular describes the challenge of women having both a family and a career in Germany: “Rabenmutter", which translates in English to “raven mother”, a derogatory term for anyone deemed to be a neglectful mother in Germany (Boulton & Chazan, 2019). The word was first used in 1350 and has since been included in German language, through poetry but also in everyday life (Wikipedia, 2021).
I grew up with this word. I never challenged it. Until, that is, I realised how non-Germans were fascinated by it. All of a sudden so was I. Where did this word come from? And how come it is still used? Everywhere.
It became my point of departure for a story on working mothers and the influence of conscious and unconscious factors that hinder women’s progression into leadership positions in Germany (both from society as well as from an individual perspective).
Similar to the way in which I reflected on my own journey, I asked the women who participated in my study to think back on their lives, the roles they had, and now hold. I asked them to start thinking about who they are. By drawing pictures of themselves at different stages of life, I tried to make them delve deeper into the unconscious.
Who were these women at different stages in their lives? And when did the world tell them who to be?
The results indicated that the German context and history, the German system, and the personal identity of each woman influenced the role these women have taken up as leaders, defining ‘role’ as the idea we have about ourselves in our minds, including our own expectations of ourselves (Long, 2018). And that is a big one.
The women shared a lot of expectations of themselves as working mothers.
Through drawing themselves at different ages, they attained more clarity on their journey and when German society started influencing them. This is the first tool I would like to share. Draw yourself at the ages of 5, 15, 25, 35 etc. Look into the similarities and differences, at who you have been and how this influences who you are today.
Because if you understand who you are, the world cannot tell you.
In coming articles, I would like to tell more stories, share more insights and practical tools on how I am learning who I am. And I am consciously saying “learning”, as I am definitely not there yet. But the woman that stepped into that INSEAD auditorium three years ago has definitely made big steps. I promised stories to spark thoughts and discussions. Which is why I wanted to end with one. My own change of identity:
When Reality Hits
This is the story of a pregnant working woman (me…) who had ideas, but who was then confronted with the reality of life as a working mother.
While writing my thesis I was pregnant. Expecting a precious baby boy, and very much convinced that this would not change who I am as a professional. In short, I thought I could have it all: a career, a baby and a social life. Contrary to what Michelle Obama says in her show with Oprah on Netflix: “You can have it all but not at the same time”, I believed that you can have it all, and at the same time. And I still somehow believe so. But…
What I underestimated is the importance of knowing who you are during that transition.
Of not letting the world tell you who to be, as a mother, a professional, a partner or a friend. Sometimes that “telling” appeared as a stream of unrelenting questions:
• How long is your maternity leave?
• What will you do when you return to your role?
• Your role is now different, can you please do this additional project, even though we know you don’t like it?
• Who will take care of your son?
• How long should he go to daycare for?
• What if he gets sick?
As you can imagine, this is just an abbreviated version of that barrage of questions that hit me when I went back to work. And they came from all directions. From my boss, my colleagues, my friends, my husband.
I was not prepared.
After years of self-reflection, I thought I finally had a glimpse of who I was as a person and a professional. But now I was a mother. A new identity, adding to the many others. No one has ever told me to think about who I want to be as a working mother, let alone how I want to set up my life.
I am being honest, at this point I am struggling. I have been back at work for three months now and things have not been smooth. Between a lack of sleep, daycare sicknesses, a travelling husband (of course when the baby is sick), less interesting projects, remote working and little social interaction, I am still in the midst of figuring it all out and understanding who I am. Because only then can I set boundaries, experiment, communicate clearly and not rely on others for my own happiness.
“The world will ask who you are, and if you don’t know, the world will tell you.” Carl Jung
We continue to live in times when it is important to share this quote with all women.
Everywhere.
All the time.
Let’s make sure that we share our stories and struggles, create safe spaces and help each other to find out who we are. Because, as Michelle Obama once said: “No country can ever truly flourish if it stifles the potential of its women and deprives itself of the contributions of half of its citizens.”
Sources
Boulton, L., & Chazan, G. (2019, October 17). https://www.ft.com. Retrieved from ‘Rabenmutter!’ How German business culture still sidelines women: https://www.ft.com/content/1ea8686e-d551-11e9-8d46-8def889b4137
Wikipedia. (2021, 10 18). https://de.wikipedia.org/wiki. Retrieved 3 13, 2022, from Rabenmutter: https://de.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rabenmutter
Long, S. (2018). The Transforming Experience Framewok. In L. S., Transforming Experience in Organisations. A framework for Organisational Research and Consultancy. (pp. 1-14). New York: Routledge.
Thank you so much for sharing your personal candor! I truly admire your bravery, honesty, and authenticity, as well as your encouragement for us to question our identities and the roles we play as women. It's important to acknowledge the ongoing work that still needs to be done. Your personal story is both beautiful and essential to share, as it serves as an inspiration for others to reflect and learn. Please continue sharing!
We all juggle multiple roles, but for me, the role of becoming a mother has been the most challenging of all. Suddenly, you undergo a transformation, and the oneself person you once were is no longer the same. I also appreciate your perspective on envisioning your future self. It's crucial to recognise that who we are now shapes the path to our future selves - and intentionally we should aim for the person who we want to be with our purpose, passions, joy and leveraging our strengths.
Beautifully articulated Constanze… so resonate with the “box has been opened” and the struggles are real. Love your vulnerability in voicing it and sharing it with the world! Thank you…